You know you’re a redneck mama when …
You spend almost three hours at Bass Pro Shops (and not even the big one in Springfield, Mo.) shopping with your girlfriends. We belong to a group we’ve dubbed “Suburban Housewives,” and we have our own motto: “We ain’t desperate.” 
Our membership includes Kathy Masterson, Tammy Ballew, Paige Eissinger and me. Except on this trip, Paige had other obligations — namely, her hubby’s 50th birthday party prep.
Mostly, we do outdoorsy things together – like hunt and fish. We call ourselves Suburban because I own the biggest vehicle, a ’99 Suburban, that will haul us and our gear to the woods, to the water, to the NWTF convention in Nashville. We all take turns driving it, though. If we ever have a membership drive, we’ll have to limit the total to eight, as that’s all the truck will hold legally.
So, last Thursday in Columbia, Mo., we started at the mall by eating lunch at our favorite sandwich shop and then, walked right past Vicky’s Secret and on to the comfortable shoe place to see if we might find Kathy some huntin’ boots. No luck at the store that sold Birkenstocks and other foreign shoes. Hiking boots don’t measure up to hunting boots.
Really, we're not doing community service! We were on our first outing together as Suburban Housewives last March, a bird hunt in rural MO. L-R: Babbs, Kathy Masterson, Tammy Ballew and Paige Eissinger
After a quick check of the sale racks at Anne Taylor’s place and we were outta there and on our way to BPS. We started in the boot section and stayed there for ages. Among the three of us, we tried on every style of hunting boot for women and youth that they had in our sizes – conveniently 7.5, 8 and 8.5. I’m not revealing who has the big feet in the bunch.
Kathy and Tammy sent Lead Sales Associate Angie Johnson back to the supply room at least 20 times!
If the boot ran small, then we’d slip them off our feet and pass them over to the one who needed a larger size. That system worked well, except for the one with the big feet, who remains anonymous, and had to ask the sales associate to fetch a larger size.
Kathy wound up buying two pairs of youth-sized boots. So, OK, you’ve ruled her out as the big foot of the bunch. And, Tammy bought a pair of hiking shoes.
I bought a MoJo dove, some Under Armour for my husband and a pair of pink “Kiss my bass” shorts for Paige, the one who could not make this trip.
Among the three of us, we helped the economy and spent almost $500 at BPS. Not bad for three hours of work!
Here we are all modeling the same boot, which none of us bought because we didn't like the cavernous feeling around our feet. Photo by Angie Johnson, the tired Lead Associate of Shoes for BPS.
About Barbara Baird
Love the article. I have never been able to find hunting boots that I like, so I stick with a good pair of Lowa’s (they last me about three years, so worth the extra money) and then I often wear camo gaiters (spend a lot of time in snake country).
Your group sounds great! Next time you are in Nashville, look me up!
What a GREAT day we had! Thanks, Barb and Kathy.
You girls are expensive to hang out with.
I’ve found a distinct lack of boots made in women’s wide sizes. Every couple of years I go through my boots and have to chase down new ones, and of course, the ones I wore out are seldom made any more. I may steal my son’s next time, as he’s about to grow out of them and I’m too small for most men’s boots. I spend way more time boot shopping than any other kind of shoes!